I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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