He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
