my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
