I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I use my feet as sexual weapons
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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