I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
