Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
