Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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