Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
