how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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