I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
