Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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