I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
