you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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