I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize