My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
