i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
