i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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