Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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