I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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