So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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