Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
