he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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