This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
