my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
