Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
