we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
