yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
