I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
