Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
