made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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