There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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