When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
