Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
