I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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