I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
