1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
