You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
