Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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