My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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