You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
