did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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