Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
