Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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