It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
