I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
