i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
