Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
