I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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