he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
