dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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