My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
