until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
