omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
