This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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