The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Help me help you realize you are a moron
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
