gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize