Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
