Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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