My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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