Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize
