found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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