roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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