Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
