im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
