apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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