Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
