genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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