when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My ATM looks so different sober.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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