You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
