So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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