is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
They are going to name an STD after you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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