On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
