Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
